Nobody told me.
Nobody let me know on that hot, humid July day in 2003, that my life was soon to be a roller coaster ride of oxymorons like bittersweet. Or synonyms and antonyms like joy and sorrow, acceptance and denial, grief and gladness, happiness and sadness, and the list goes on. When that faint cry of a newborn was heard throughout our home, no one, not even God, announced the dramatic change about to bring us down to earth in an awakening so astounding that nothing could have prepared us for.
Joy and Sorrow.
When we heard the joyful words, IT’S A BOY, we never dreamed that we could carry so much heartbreak but at the same time, still experience joy.
Bittersweet.
A word meaning both pleasant and painful. Nobody told me that this would become us. We had no idea that when bitterness wants to creep in and take over, that the sweetness of a little boy named Benny would take control with his unconditional love. Ah, yes, bittersweet.
Denial and Acceptance.
The journey from the first shocking diagnosis to acceptance was more of a hurdle for my husband than for me. Benny was my baby. I was Benny’s mommy. Although it was painful, I just kept on going, caring for my infant, even being relieved at hearing prognostics because I already knew. For Maynard, the journey was one of heartbreaking denial to embrace it, but he has risen above it all, being the best daddy-o Benny could ask for.
Grief and Gladness.
Nobody told me that grief has many faces. I never dreamt that grieving for what would never be could be one of them. But that when the mourning ends, there is gladness in the smallest victory. Oh, the triumphs of sitting by himself even though he was two years old by the time he mastered it. Of our Benny being able to scoot all over the place, though he will never walk. When he drinks by mouth that first cup of milk, or finally catches on to sign language, even though he is non-verbal. Yes, gladness!
Happiness and Sadness.
When sadness wants to take over because our vision for our future is completely rocked out of proportion, we must choose happiness instead. Which leads to…
Contentment vs Discontentment.
It’s been a journey, but I can honestly say from keeping on keeping on, I am content with our Benny life. I don’t have to be everywhere! Tupperware parties, tea parties, shopping sprees, ladies meetings and pedi/manicures all go on without me! I don’t really care! Winter vacations in Florida pass us by. I do care about this one. Gulp. But I choose to not let it get me down. Discontentment brings a whole pile of baggage I have no desire to be toting around. Restlessness is heavy and disheartening, which in turn causes anger and Poor Lil’ Ole Me Syndrome (PLOMS).
Frustration and Cheer.
The temptation to become angry or frustrated at situations is overwhelming. Try spending long periods of time on hold with insurance companies, medical professionals, or school officials, and it becomes like a scorching liquid in your veins. It is easier said than done to turn this challenge into a cheer. Come to think of it, I don’t know how! Except maybe to drink vast, astonishing amounts of coffee, eat homemade ice cream, devour a Snickers candy bar, don a pair of warm fuzzy pajamas with smileys on them, hide in the bathroom to graze on a pound of peanut m&m’s, pet the dog, daydream about skittles and unicorns, take a nap, or say cheer up, buttercup, over and over and over! 🙂 I guess it’s not hard to see what pushes my buttons!
Weeping and Laughing
I had no idea that it is possible to smile through tears. When we used to be in the hospital all the time, my dad once commented, “You always greet us with a big smile when we come to visit. How do you do this?” Okay, then I cried like a baby! So yeah, weeping endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning. We have wept and we have laughed. Sometimes all at the same time. I don’t know how to explain it, so there.
Lion vs Lamb
No one mentioned when Benny was born that we could become lions, protecting our child, while still remaining a lamb. We had become special needs parents. We were soft and broken, but fiercely zealous in guarding against any infraction committed against our child.
Nobody told me, but then God’s Word said…
“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
-Deuteronomy 31:8
“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.”
-Psalm 55:22
“In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.”
-Psalm 138:3
Have you read Benny’s Story?
Find out how a tiny boy named Benny changed our lives and turned our hearts to God!
