The Saturday Morning Confessions of a Special Needs Mom.
“You’re such a good mommy.”
“You’re super mom.”
“Benny is so blessed to have a mommy like you.”
I hear this often and it blesses me so much. How do I respond?
“Yes, I know. Thank you very much for noticing?”
No, of course not! While it makes me feel good, and I know in my heart that I try my best, I also know the times when my own wants and needs rise up and desire to be served first. Like this morning.
Hi-Ho to Bob Evans We Go!
As I climbed into Skippy, our little red Honda, the rain came down in gentle pitter pats on this rather wet Saturday morning. It was a soothing, calming ride to Lisbon where I needed to run a few errands. I was almost there when the girls texted that they ordered breakfast at Bob Evans, and would I mind picking it up? Sure!
I came home with a paper bag of goodies from Bob Evans. Paper bags from individual stores or restaurants are one of my secret loves. They are so pretty! I was hungry and eager to eat the delicious food not cooked by good mommy me. 🙂 How splendid!
We all sat down to eat this yummy food when Benny signaled that he wanted a tube feed as well. I knew he was due for a feed but I thought I might get away with eating first. (Mistake.) So I got him a glass of milk instead. It kept him quiet for a little while. Then he asked for his guitar. As soon as he had it, he lifted his foot because Daddy had put a band-aid on his heel.
He kicks so hard in the bathtub that sometimes his heel cracks open and bleeds. I know, it’s awful. But even more awful to Mr. Ben, is the band-aid itself. To Benny, band-aids are the place where monsters and dragons are born. He screams and cries every single time we put one on him. But where other children will usually cry to have it ripped off, this is where Benny then giggles! I removed the band-aid and tried to go on eating.
Benny kept signing that he wants a feed. I should have done a feed to start with before I indulged myself, but it was one of those mornings when I just didn’t feel like it! My own wants had risen to unscalable heights. (Also a big, selfish mistake.) I have to say that had I fed Benny first, I would have enjoyed that hearty breakfast so much more.
Let’s Get This Little Guy Fed!
Disgruntled me finally gobbled down my breakfast and trudged to the kitchen. I was thinking to myself that I don’t have a life. Ever. You should see me kicking myself now as I step back and view my morning when all my sweet Benny wanted was to be fed. Let me insert here that Benny was certainly not starving. It was more a thing of everyone else was eating so he needed to be eating too, even though he had a full feed 3 hours earlier, and 3 glasses of milk in between!
Seeing me get the blender out caused all manner of shivers and giggles from Benny.
Mommy did not shiver, giggle or crack a smile, but she was starting to warm up.
As I started the blending, Benny quickly came to help. Benny loves the blender like I love ice cream cones…which is a lot.
Benny and I sat on the floor and I pushed that feed through him. I always like to take the time to look into his eyes when I run tube feeds. It is a time in our day that we connect. I didn’t feel like looking into his eyes just then. But I did anyway. Today when our eyes met, I was stabbed. The searing knife cut right into my heart and caused swirlies to go around and around in my belly. I was selfish and impatient with my sweet little guy. How awful I felt right then! He looked deep into my eyes over the rim of the glass of water he drinks at feed time. Benny’s eyes have power. Crushing, soul convicting power. It is the spirit of holiness within him that only comes with children like him.
I wrapped up the feed, and we had a talk. Benny reached his skinny fingers around my neck and pulled me into his forehead, looking into my eyes again.
“Benny, I am sorry I was impatient with you,” I said, “I love you, Benny.”
Benny signed, I love you.
Benny gave me a kiss.
Benny signed thank you, Mommy.
Benny lifted the glass with an inch of water left in it, and I caught it just before he dumped it on me!
Laugh at the little things. Apologize to your loved ones. If your loved ones are special needs, and you think they won’t understand if you say sorry, then think again. They know. They understand. They will love you for it!
In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears. Psalm 18:6
